2015 Eddie Eagle Gun Safety PSA
(After the intro, we cut the G-man at is desk in his room) G-man: Hello, everyone! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. Okay, kids… (He holds up his Lego gun) This is a gun. Yes, it’s made out of Legos, don’t judge. It’s very deadly, and it’s definitely not for children. Only very certain people can be trusted with these. Such as the police, and the army. If you see one left alone, don’t touch it, run away, and tell someone you know you can trust. (He sets it back down) But don’t take my word for it! Perhaps a kids’ mascot made by the NRA can help out! (Cut to a slideshow of pictures of Eddie Eagle) G-man (V.O): In spring of 2015, the YouTube channel belonging to the NRA introduced a brand-new Eddie Eagle video. Starting in 1988, the Eddie Eagle Gun Safety Program has reached more than 28 million children with an important safety message about guns: Stop, don’t touch, run away, and tell a grown-up. To learn more, you actually go to Eddie Eagle’s official website! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And you know what’s weird? The website is still up! I guess that’s a good sign that the NRA still wants to spread the word about gun safety to children, but what about the video I mentioned earlier? Well, it’s not even that popular. It only has about two-hundred thousand views with the likes and comments disabled! So, I guess we’re reviewing this eight-minute video. And we’re going to extend those eight minutes as long as possible. (He slowly leans in towards the camera before he speaks again) Pray for me… (Cut to the opening scene) G-man (V.O): We open with Eddie Eagle, our main character, and the Wing Team playing some basketball. (Cut to Howie) Hey, I didn’t know that green bird from Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared had a son! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: You learn something new every day! (Cut back to the video) G-man (V.O): There’s a song number to introduce our characters. But I’ll just tell you to save a whole bunch of time: Eddie, Howie, Maya, and Gary. But since Gary’s a lazy piece of shit, we have Fiona. Fiona: I’m Fiona. We just moved to New Featherton. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Hold up! What is that town’s name? (Cut back to the video) Fiona: I’m Fiona. We just moved to New Featherton. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: New Featherton? What, is it because everyone is a type of bird? Isn’t that like renaming Las Vegas to Money Town? (Cut to the title screen for the game of the same name) Oh, wait. That name’s already taken… Forget I said anything! (Cut back to the video) G-man (V.O): Well, it looks like Gary isn’t useless after all! He finds a stray backpack with a gun inside of it and- Hold up! (A record scratch is heard as the camera zooms in on the gun) What the hell kind of gun is that? It looks like every pistol in every first-person shooter game ever! What did the owner say when he bought it? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Yes, I’ll take a pistol with two magazines. Storeowner (From off camera voiced by the G-man): Which kind, sir? G-man: Overused type, black color. Storeowner: Excellent choice, sir! (Cut back to the video) G-man (V.O): On top of that, what was a gun doing in a kids’ backpack? Did Caillou finally snap after all the shit I said in the past? Howie: I’ve never seen a real gun before! Gary: I dare you to touch it! Maya: Touch what? Fiona: Oh, my! (Eddie looks closer at the gun in the backpack. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What, is Eddie the Terminator all of a sudden? (Cut to a clip from the Terminator where Eddie’s face is overlapping Arnold Schwarzenegger’s) Terminator: Fuck you, asshole. (Cut back to the video) Eddie: Gary! Gary: It’s not mine! I don’t know where it came from! (Cut back to the G-man crossing his arms) G-man: Sounds fishy to me. Lock him up, boys! (The iron bars texture from Minecraft overlaps Gary. Cut back to the video) Howie: What should we do? (Eddie flies upwards offscreen) Maya: Let’s take it to the police. Fiona: Let’s take it over to my mom. She has a gun at home. She’ll know what to do! Howie: It looks just like the ones on TV! (Eddie lands behind everyone and starts singing. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, I guess we’re singing now! (He starts singing) Oh… (He stops) Wait a minute! What took Eddie so long to land? Did he just decide to fly around before realizing that he fucked up? (Cut to a sketch with the G-man in an eagle costume acting as Eddie. He’s in front of a green-screened sky pretending to fly) G-man: Y’know, I should probably do the right thing and tell them the truth. (Cut back to the video) G-man (V.O): Thankfully, the song is brief. But then Gary asks a legitimate question, and Eddie comes up with the most bullshit answer ever: Gary: Why are you singing…? Eddie: I learned it from my dad. It helps me remember what to do if I ever come across a gun. G-man (V.O): Yeah, try singing that whenever someone tries to mug you! (Cut to another sketch with the G-man on a park bench looking at his phone when a mugger played by his brother storms up holding his Lego gun) Brother: Give me your fucking money! G-man (Singing): Stop! Don’t touch! Run away- (His brother fires it upwards. Making the G-man panic and pull out his wallet) Okay! Take it all! (Cut back to the video) Fiona: Hey, I learned that song at school! (Eddie appears next to Fiona and starts singing again. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Wait a minute, screencap that. (Cut to a screencap of Eddie mid-singing next to Fiona. Her hands are on her hips and her lower eyelids are raised slightly) Holy shit, guys! She totally has the hots for him! (Cut back to the G-man) Tell me by that screencap she doesn’t want to tap his ass. Person from offscreen (Voiced by the G-man): She doesn’t want to- G-man: Shut up, Robert! (Cut back to the video) G-man (V.O): The song repeats again, but it’s not too important, so we’ll just skip it. But then they do what they were singing about. Who does that? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, I should probably take out the trash. (He looks and points to his right) Hit it, Scatman! (The opening to I’m a Scatman plays briefly before we cut back to the video) Eddie’s father: What’s this all about, Eddie? Eddie (As he’s looking towards the camera): What’s Wing Team rule number one? (Cut back to the G-man) G-mam: Shit! Was this on the test? I wasn’t prepared for this! (Cut back to the video) G-man (V.O): Oh, he was talking to the others… That’s hashtag awkward! (The same hashtag appears with a ding sound effect) Eddie: Before anything. Finding a gun is dangerous situation. Fiona’s mother: Goodness, me! Eddie’s father: What gun? (The camera quickly zooms into Eddie’s father’s eye, and then to the gun in the backpack) G-man (V.O): Okay, I’m going to ignore the fact that Eddie’s dad is also the Terminator and say this: Wouldn’t that zoom-in onto his eye hurt? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What gun? (The camera zooms in on his face. Hurting him in the process) Ow! Who the fuck is operating this thing? (Tattletail is heard laughing before we cut back to the video) Eddie’s father: Wing Team, thank you for doing the right thing! I’m proud of you! I’ll handle this! (Howie flies up to Eddie’s father’s face) Howie: Mister Eagle, I sure was scared! (The camera pans down to reveal Maya and Gary hugging Eddie’s father’s legs) Maya: I did not know what to do! Eddie’s father: Hmm… How many of you have questions about gun safety? (Cut back to the G-man with his left hand raised) G-man: Yes, uh, does that count as a gun? (He points to his right before we cut to Big Shaq rapping Man’s Not Hot) Big Shaq (Rapping): The ting goes skrrrahh! Pap pap ka-ka-ka! Skidiki-pap-pap! and a pu-pu-pudrrrr-boom! Skya! Du-du-ku-ku-dun-dun! Poom poom! You dun know. Big Shaq! (Cut back to the video. Most of the wing team raises their hands. After a while, Eddie raises his as well. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Wow, Eddie. You’re supposed to be a mascot that’s about gun safety, and even you have questions about it! Isn’t that like a serial killer looking at his weapon and going "What the fuck is this?"? (Cut back to the video) Eddie’s father: Tell you what; I’ll call your parents so we can meet back at our house for answers. And pizza! G-man (V.O): Ah, yes! Nothing says teaching gun safety quite like Papa John’s! Anyway, we cut to Eddie’s house where- (Eddie’s house, along with the other houses on both ends of it, is a treehouse) Okay, I see tons of faults with this! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Were the architects drunk when they came up with this idea? (Nothing happens. He looks around confusedly) Oh, right. I already made a joke like this in my Baldi’s Basics review… (Cut back to the video) Fiona’s mother: Thank you, Mister Eagle. I’ve talked to Fiona about guns, but I never know how to bring it up to other parents. Eddie’s father: Anything I can do to help, Miss Falcon. (Cut to inside the house. A police officer is also there) Eddie: Thanks for coming over, officer! Officer: You kids made the right decision! It’s always the best choice to get away from a gun! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: You know what would be ironic? If the gun they found was one of those fake ones with the bang flag inside of it. (Cut back to the video) Howie: Officer Wingman, I was pretty afraid today… G-man (V.O): Wait a minute! His name is Officer Wingman? (Cut back to the G-man stammering) G-man: Whu-? Juh-? Buh-? That’s just stupid! If there’s an officer named Wingman, I’m 100% sure they’re just from this PSA! I’m afraid I’m going to ask for his citation! (Cut back to the video) Wingman: Well, discovering a gun is a dangerous situation! Eddie’s father: But whether a gun scares you or not, you should always tell a grownup! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Yeah, because all grownups are trustworthy! (The hashtag "#ObviousSarcasm" pops for a brief moment. Cut back to the video) Gary: I don’t get the big deal! There’s guns in my video games! Wingman: Real guns aren’t the same as the one in your video game, Gary. Gary: Yeah, but- Wingman (Sternly): It’s not. The same. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (Imitating Officer Wingman): Don’t make me go Rambo on your ass! (Cut back to the video) Fiona’s mother: It’s okay, Fiona. Tell him! Fiona: My mom always told me that I should never touch a gun if I find one. I’m sorry I forgot that lesson today. Wingman: But next time, you’ll remember. Fiona: Next time, I’ll remember. And look great doing it! Maya: Like a true fashionista! Both girls: Heyy! (Cut back to the G-man where a siren is going off) G-man (In normal voice): Uh-oh! Pointless Alert! (Cut back to the video) Maya: I was surprised to find a gun at the park! Wingman: Well, you might find a gun in a few different places. (The following images pop up in thought balloons) In houses, with people who want to protect us, sometimes, your mom, your dad, or another adult may have a gun… (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Yeah, another adult may have a gun. (He points to his left) Like her for instance! (Cut to clip from the Walking Dead by Telltale Games where Lily shoots Carly, and then back to the G-man looking shocked) Okay, bad example… (Cut back to the video) G-man (V.O): Anyway, the song repeats one more time, and that’s the end! We don’t even get an explanation as to where the gun came from! That has to be the most half-assed ending to any PSA I’ve ever seen! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: But with all the flaws aside, I think it got the message across very clearly. And that’s what matters most! Well, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! (Instead of his normal peace gesture, he holds up his Lego gun. Making him shocked) How did-? (Suddenly, the sound of someone banging on a door is heard) Man (V.O): FBI, open up! G-man: Nonono! It’s made of Legos! (A gunshot is heard) Oh, hell no! (He gets up and runs offscreen. Glass breaking is heard, and after a while, a thud sound effect is heard as well) My God, what a tall building! Category:Episode